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Why Do Girls Flake Out?

flakesWhy Do Girls Flake Out?

You clear you schedule. You turn down your buddies who want to go out for a beer. You change your work out time. You skip out on another activity just in case it goes late…

And then you get that dreaded text: “Sorry, I forgot my friend is in from out of town, I’m so sorry, I promise I didn’t mean to but I can’t go out tonight”. Or worse yet you get no text message at all. You just get silence.

Of course, you have to be forgiving and understanding so you try to make the most of it and hopefully create a plan B for the evening. But what about when this becomes a pattern, over and over again?

Why do so many girls flake out on guys? Is this just a local phenomenon where I live or is this universal among guys everywhere? Do you ladies find that guys do the same thing to you?

One option is to simply go out in groups all the time and if someone doesn’t show up you still have the rest of your friends. But what about when you really want to get to know someone better? I have to be honest, I’m somewhat surprise when a girl actually comes through and does what she says. It’s a refreshing breath of air in an otherwise stale dating environment.

So why? My first thought it that perhaps they are just trying to get out of the date. Maybe in the moment the girl gave out her number and thought you were a cool guy but on second thought she decided you weren’t all you were cracked up to be and flaked out.

However, this would lead me to two simple questions: If you are older than 20 or 21 you should know by now when you meet someone whether or not you’d hang out again (not asking for a girlfriend, a fiancé, a wife, just a date). Second, if you do change your mind is it really so hard to just say “I’m not interested”, or at least “let’s hang out with a group or with some friends first”.

Yes I know girls are worried about hurting guy’s feelings or coming across as a bitch but you’d be surprised: guys usually have a lot more respect for a girl who says no than a girl who says yes but implies no by playing games.

My second thought it that girls perhaps hear something about the guy after the fact that puts them off. This is a little more reasonable, I mean if I heard a girl had herpes, a boyfriend, a psychotic personality, I might think twice. But then again how many things have I heard about girls that just wasn’t true? How many people do I know that talk trash about the very people that I respect the most? Rumors are hard to go by and some of the best dates I’ve been on were with girls that I was “warned about”.

However I think there is a lot more to the issue than initially meets the eye. For one I think that conservative Christian society (the place this blog is coming from and the environment I find myself in) has elevated dating, sex, and marriage on such a pedestal as to make the simple thing as accepting a date with a guy a monumental step.

Girls start thinking things like “well what if I’m seen out with this guy, people will think we are together, people will think I’m a slut because I went out with that other guy last night, the guy I really like won’t date me because I’m hanging out with someone else”. I can see where you might be coming from but seriously? Are we that shallow that we would really think that? Why is it so bad what people assume about us?

When we stop enjoying the moment we start taking the fun out of dating. When you keep flaking out on guys you build a reputation as someone who can’t be trusted.

I’m not saying things can’t come up from time to time. It happens to everyone. But be honest. Don’t make excuses, ignore people, or pretend like you’re interested when you are not. It would make dating a lot more enjoyable and simple for everyone.

 

 

Author: Jesse Leake

Questions? Need advice or want to share your story? thelovemanifesto@gmail.com

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10 thoughts on “Why Do Girls Flake Out?

  1. There is something life altering and paradoxical about seeming a male talk about the problems with flakiness–at least in my realm, this island of Never NeverLand we call Manhattan where Noam wants to grow up. 31 year old men here go from “I had a good time.” after date 3 to radio silence right before date 4. Dates are coordinated day of, hours before. And a three day disappearance without even a “yo, sorry I’ve been slammed at work, I will hit you up in 2 days.” is excusable –cause who are you to expect anything ever from a man?

    So the fact that this happens to males flips the world upside down and makes me oddly queasy. Maybe it’s not them, it’s us. But instead of replacing “them” and “us” with “guys” or “girls” let me clarify: Them: the irresponsible, inconsiderate, and cowardly flakes
    Us: Thos who see human interaction as an opportunity to explore possibilities and discuss obstacles without making up petty stories to weasel out of things.

    I used to have a friend in college who would complain about women–and their moods, and their purse obsessions , and their ditziness –all these stereo types about women, he had issues with. But the real truth was, he sat at a bar with his co-film major women who were nowhere near like that and complained about the women he dated–WHO WERE ALL LIKE THAT. Finally I had a revaluation, this guy was going to grow up to be a man, would marry one of these women that would reinforce his assumptions about women and drive him bonkers, and then one day have a daughter he’s explain these gender roles to as she grew up-. Not intentionally mind you, just through complaints and side comments here or there. He’d slowly mold her into exactly the type of woman he hates, not because he’s a a weird Saddist or hypocrite, but because he was unaware of how ingrained his assumptions were in drawing him to women.

    The above problem is probably the root of most problems in relationships for men AND women. We are drawn to those who reinforce our greatest stereotypes and assumptions.

    So I am drawn to wildly immature men as you are drawn to wildly immature women. Their gender does not explain the behavior, it does not justify the behavior, all though do to various social norms, excuses the behavior in different ways .

    The only thing I guess we can do is firstly, to make sure not to be a “them” and secondly, to find more people who value commitments, honesty, and respect for others, like “us.”

    1. I like this point of view, selceronomo. And in response to the blog post…..yes Christian girls probably are all “confused” and “messed up” regarding what they’ve heard in their lifetime about what is appropriate interaction between them and the male counter-part.

  2. Isn’t “playing games” the current wishy-washy way of dealing with someone someone “you don’t want to hurt” directly, but don’t really want to be with? Or am I stating the obvious?

  3. What an interesting blog you have. Nice!

    I came here to thank you for being a part of Petals Unfolding today. It really meant a lot to me. Blessings! And good luck with the dating! Love, Amy

  4. I liked this blog because I know a guy who likes to be invited but never shows up. There’s always an excuse. Yet his feelings get hurt when he’s not invited to be somewhere. I think it’s because he honestly has no idea how to friends with a girl. Some guys/girls assume that you can’t hang out without the obligation of romantic feelings.

  5. yes. unfortunately, we get this from guys too. I don’t know how many times I have been stood up, but I know that its just some and not all. I like your view on it! I know I have gotten advice from other women about not texting back in so long or you are seen as clingy, or not showing someone attention because then they will have all of the power in the relationship. I see these as games. God will bring along the right person at the right time. I don’t see emotional and relationship games or expectations as a good thing. By the way, I feel like your blog is kin to mine in a way. very cool!

    1. Tinder is the perfect reflection of this. It’s interesting to see how different demographics value actual in person interactions more. Other demographics tend to be more individual focused.

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