attraction · rejection

Is Attraction A Choice: Conclusion (Part 5, the MOST important part!)

attraction 5Why is this even important? Why do we care if attraction is a choice or not?

If ultimately attraction is not a choice than I think it should alleviate some of the anxiety about rejection and rejecting that we get. No one likes rejection and hopefully most of us don’t like rejecting someone else. If we can remember that we can’t help who we are attracted to (and who we are not) perhaps we will be more understanding of people who just don’t find us attractive.

It’s a fact of life: you just aren’t going to be attracted to every guy that asks you out. And if attraction is not a choice you shouldn’t feel so bad about turning him down. After all if marriage to one person for the rest of your life is anywhere in your future dreams, you essentially have to turn down 3.5 billion of the opposite sex in exchange for that one person.

Similarly it should save us some effort and time. If someone isn’t attracted to you, trying to convince them that they are or should be isn’t really worthwhile. You may in some cases be able to increase their attraction or develop it (friends that become lovers later in life).

However, you can’t ever just give someone a logical list of why they should be attracted to you. Either they are or they aren’t. Or maybe they are quite sure yet…yeah it never is that simple.

That’s where we come to experience and just going out and living life. You can’t read my blog (or any blog or book on relationships) and think “I got it. Now I know how to have a happy relationship and be a happy person.” It won’t work that way. You have to get out there and practice and meet people and probably make some pretty bad mistakes.

The old saying “learn from my mistakes” only goes so far. Most of us learn best by making a few mistakes of our own. Hopefully you can apply that knowledge to those who hurt you and forgive them when they mess up. But that is another post.

In closing, remember this is you remember anything: Relationships are never black and white. Ever. But hope this helps.


11 thoughts on “Is Attraction A Choice: Conclusion (Part 5, the MOST important part!)

  1. Dear Jesse, Your posts really make me think, thanks for them. I believe attraction is a choice and have always chosen who I went out with etc. But this other thing has come up recently that makes me wonder. Sometimes we have ‘crushes’ on members of the other sex. I calculated that I’ve had more than 20 of them since I was about 10, including Elvis Presley! None of them ever went anywhere and were usually with the most insane people (as in the crush was insane, not the victim), and I have never had one while I’ve been married. What do you think a ‘crush’ is? Is it attraction? And is it a choice? If it is a choice, it may be possible to be more discerning about who we are attracted to than we think.

    1. I certainly choose who I go out with as well. But I think that the initial attraction is something that I can’t help.

      I think crushes are hard to define and different per person. what I find interesting is that you’ve never had one since you’ve been married. I would say that is hopefully a sign of a good happy marriage. Women in happy relationships (and men) rarely if ever even think about cheating or crushing on someone else. Unhappy relationships is a different story.

      I would say to put it simply a crush is a physical attraction coupled with some sort of chemistry. It could be an emotional experience that you had (went on a missions trip with the person). Or it could be celebrity status or a part played in a movie. I don’t think crushes are ever our choices.

  2. Hello!
    I am very intrigued by your blog and the content is fantastic. I found you by way of you “liking” a post from my own blog. Thank you for that. I am currently doing a mini series on attraction, sexual innuendo and verbal foreplay between men and women. I am focusing a lot on interracial relationships. Please continue to stop by my site and I’d like to ask your permission to post a back link for your site on my site. I’d simply be over the moon if you could do the same for me!! Your opinion of my material will be greatly appreciated. I may include a quote or two from your posts as well. Please let me know if you are okay with this.

    Wiladene Keen

    1. Thanks for your comment. Yeah your blog was interesting and I look forward to the rest of your series. I will continue to check back. I am fine with you linking back to my site any time. While I don’t like other sites generally from my WordPress I do Tweet them and will be happy to share a few links with my Twitter audience.

  3. Hi!
    I’ve read your latest posts on attraction and found them really interesting and thought-provoking. I definitely believe that attraction is a catalyst that draws people together. And it’s true – if someone isn’t attracted to you, do you really want them? It only makes sense that mutual attraction is an important factor in any relationship or exploration thereof. For me, character can strengthen or weaken that attraction. Hm, you’re inspiring me to write something on this topic! Would it be okay to refer to your blog in a post (sorry to say I don’t have many readers, but hey, one is better than none!)?

  4. Thinking on this subject /has/ helped me with my last miserably failed crush, haha. He was attracted to someone who, in everyone’s opinion, was every shade of wrong for him. That hurt me (and by me, I mean my pride) because I fit what was said to be “better for him”. But it didn’t matter. He wasn’t attracted to me. I just wish he had said that instead of what he did say. “In the future, you’d be on my list” because that’s silly. Either way. It’s still frustrating for me as a female though. I wish I could logically convince guys that I like that we “match up” on paper and that would be enough. Alas.

  5. Really enjoyed this take and reminder about this! Thanks for writing it, we need more voices in this area.

  6. I think that I have written a similar summary/conclusion when I wrote a post about “An Unequal Equation,” but am sad that it is true that some people hang in there, despite the lack of attraction. Almost like a “duty.” I hung in there until literally my ex gave up, lost his job, stopped working for almost 3 years and just sat in a chair. Not all due to our lack of attraction, I am assuring you! (Smile!) but by doing these extreme actions, I found out what a survivor I am! I got a second job, managed to sell our house before foreclosure, get a one bedroom apt. and moved on. But I just got out of an almost one year relationship that I kept hoping would become serious. (While somehow knowing, deep down, that he was still longing for an ex-girlfriend who he obviously was attracted to still. Although she will not take him back, it did come to the place where I felt I deserved to be cherished and loved more than any other. A hard thing because equal attraction is not as common as you would think! After 100 dates last year, I had whittled down to only 4 potentials, first kisses cut out 3 of 4!

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