attraction · nurture

In Attraction a Choice? (Part 3: How You Were Raised)

attraction 3Another important aspect of attraction is the nurture side (this is the other 50% of the development equation). If you were raised in a home that valued family and marriage, family and traditional values while thinking poorly of other demographics (say a stripper for example), your actual attraction to a women could be shaped by that.

For example, you may meet a very attractive woman (physically). She is intelligent and enjoys your sense of humor. She has a good job and aspirations of promotion. She is not dramatic but thinks through things first. However, she has done a few things in the past that traditional values would consider promiscuous or loose. You will find that your actual attraction to her is diminished by this fact. Perhaps even her physical beauty will seem appealing.

Similarly if your family valued hard work and ingenuity. You’re mother always told you that the reason she and your father didn’t work out was that he couldn’t make enough money. She had returned to school and become a successful business woman while raising you.

As a young woman you would begin to see men in the light of how your mother raised you. A physical attractive guy with great character and personality might appear less attractive to you simply because he cannot hold a steady job.

The way you were raised has a drastic effect on what you do and don’t find attractive. And this goes beyond simply what your parents taught you. This includes your school environment, your social life, your peers, and your demographics. Living in a large city such as Boston could have drastically different effects than a small country side town in Alabama.

Nurture is something that is outside of your control, but if you recognize it you can change your lifestyle and preferences to some extent. For example if you were raised to think that interracial dating is wrong, but experience and logic tell you that it is actually quite normal you might eventually find yourself quite attracted to a person of a different race.

Nurture is so often subconscious that it is hard to recognize. That is why outsiders will often look at you and knowing your upbringing tell you things like “that’s because you were raised to think such and such”. This doesn’t mean they are always right but they have a perspective outside of that nurturing that you do not.

Now you don’t have to succumb to your subconscious nurturing tendencies. It takes work and the willingness to change to recognize them and reshape them. Many times you may find that the way you were nurtured is the best way to live anyway. So no change will be necessary.

Author: Jesse Leake

Questions? Need advice or want to share your story? thelovemanifesto@gmail.com

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