communication · emotional connection

Why Connecting Hurts (Part 2)

connecting 4Check out Part 1 first if you haven’t had the chance!

The more you emotionally connect and invest in someone the more you risk being let down by them.

They may not have reached the same level of connection as you and thus it might be easy for them to walk away. Even if you are good at living in the moment, the lost connection with someone has a pain to it because you now have a part of you that was connected and now no longer is. Finding a replacement doesn’t happen overnight.

Think about when your best friend graduated college and moved away. Sure you may be tight and call each other or chat or text. And you may even make the drive or the flight to go visit once in a while. But that closeness of seeing them every day and sharing those experiences together is a deep connection. And it’s not easily replaced with a new friend, even if the new friend is a better one. And in this situation both people could be completely honest and have each other’s best interest in mind. It was just a fact of life: I moved to Colorado and you moved to New York.

With the right perspective relationships can be viewed similarly. Even ones that end. Just because your boyfriend breaks up with you doesn’t mean that he’s done anything wrong or that he hates you. It could just mean that as you grow and change it becomes clear that your lives are going to go in different directions. Inevitably. Better now than during a marriage. And you will look back and say “yeah that sucked, it hurt like hell, but we needed to go our separate ways.”

You see the desire to connect and the desire not to be hurt are constantly balancing each other. Have you ever met one of those people who seem to go from one dramatic relationship to another? They are either madly in love with this amazing guy they just met or desperately depressed because he left them and they will never find another. This is the emotional extreme. Caring too much too soon can leave you in a constant state of emotional turmoil.

The alternative is to be flat. Indifferent. Not care what happens. Sadly, with this mindset one will never fall in love and will never truly experience the joy of connecting with someone deeply and emotionally because they close that side off. True, they may never hurt as deeply either and some may view them as an emotional pillar, but at a cost.

Connecting can be hurtful. If you aren’t careful it can be emotionally draining. But it is also healthy. And worth it.

Author: Jesse Leake

Questions? Need advice or want to share your story? thelovemanifesto@gmail.com

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9 thoughts on “Why Connecting Hurts (Part 2)

  1. Jesse, another great piece! I totally agree with you. It’s so hard to open yourself up to someone. I think it’s a learning curve. These past two weeks, I feel like God is finally opening me up to other people. I have felt closed off for so long it’s almost over whelming. But I truly believe that when the time comes for me to connect with my future husband, ill of course make mistakes from time to time but Ill be fairly equipt to handle my emotions in a healthy way.

  2. Sometimes I do feel that way. I see the world around me moving forward, and the people around me connecting with each other. All while I feel like a bystander, waiting to be invited to the party. I’m afraid to connect with people, because pain will inevitably follow, when the connection is lost. I imagine, I’m unapproachable. I don’t mean to be.

    1. I think that you can learn to channel your emotions. That is what I have done. Sure they’re still always a fear of rejection. And we don’t like to lose connections. But if we continue to build them some of them will remain. Maybe not for life but there will always be some close connections there for you. and the emotions and pain you feel when you lose 1 is dampened by the fact that you have many more and know that you can create ones to replace the 1 you lost.

  3. caring too much too soon can leave you in a constant state of turmoil-oh yeah, that has been me, and as I’ve gotten older, I do find myself blocking connections to a certain extent. A connection, I think, is healthier if it is slowly built rather than forced too early on, but it has been my instinct to jump into connections too quickly. Great posts (part 1 and 2)!

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