communication · emotional connection

How to Emotionally Connect With Women (Part 2): Why is it all about connecting?

connecting 1So why is it so important for women to feel like they are emotionally connected? It turns out that this is actually a human need not just a “woman” need. Sure women seem to understand connecting emotionally better than many men do, but men need to connect on some level as well.

You may be thinking “I know some people who just don’t seem to want to connect with anyone.” However, connecting emotionally often presents itself differently from one person to another. That is why we know some people who don’t seem to have that need. Usually there is a reason why the need to emotionally connect is left on the back burner. Most often a stronger need, that they feel is in competition, takes first priority.

Insecurity is a frequent contender for emotional connection. Many guys feel intimidated and insecure talking about their feelings. Therefore they are more likely to ignore their need to emotionally connect in order to satisfy their need to uphold their pride and security.

Others may feel the need for rational and order in their life. They may have been hurt emotionally before and the need to keep their emotions in check overcomes their need for connection.

Still others have competing physical needs such as their sex drive, emotional immaturity such as jealousy, and past relationships such as ex-girlfriends or parents that get in the way of truly valuing and enjoying emotional connections.

So why is it still important to us to connect with someone? Why is it healthy to have more than just a physical connection even with the risks involved?

Life is short. And if we are healthy (in all aspects) we realize the only proper way to live is to live for the moment. You might not get tomorrow. Not to ignore or discount the future, but we need to recognize that it is not guaranteed. And, in this short life, we want to feel like we are sharing those moments with someone else.

Cliché I know, but it’s true: a moment is not fully lived until it has been shared.

Maybe that is why we gossip sometimes. We’re not really trying to spread rumors or hurt someone behind their back. We just want someone else to feel what we are feeling about the situation. I love observing people. And despite the stereotype guys gossip as well. A lot. Sure it comes across differently sometimes perhaps. But guys want others to share their feelings about something they heard or were involved in; even if they don’t say it in so many words.

When you connect with someone, you feel like you belong. You feel valued. You have someone else to value. You share a moment together and a memory that will survive much longer than your interaction with that person. It may be the girl you met at the bar tonight who ended up sharing a fascinating story about her trip last summer that really connected with what you are going through right now. And you might never see her again. You might soon forget the actual story. Yet that connection is worth more than anything else you could have received that night in a bar.

Physical and mental needs can often be satisfied with physical replacements for human. We have the television and books to satisfy our needs for mental stimulation and growth. The internet is a vast unlimited source of knowledge available in our cellphones now. Even sexual needs can be somewhat satisfied without another human being involved.

However, there is no real replacement for the emotional satisfaction of connecting with a real human being. In fact, these objects that we often replace our friends with can often decrease our emotional satisfaction.

That’s why we need emotionally connection so badly. It’s irreplaceable and yet essential for happiness.

Author: Jesse Leake

Personal questions or comments? Need advice? Email me

Check me out on Twitter @jesse_leake


13 thoughts on “How to Emotionally Connect With Women (Part 2): Why is it all about connecting?

  1. I really love the idea in your blog about connecting with people. I think that you have valid points about woman being more open about being more emotionally open then men. But I believe that woman are complimentary to men that way. God created us as tender soft beings, men can be tender but they are the “protectors”. I believe this was intentional. I also think your correct about the cultural cliche’ of being “manly” and sharing their feelings makes them seem weak. I don’t think it’s right but it’s the worldview we as humans have created. I think we were created to build relationships with each other and with God. However, I don’t believe that physical and mental stimulation can replace this deep need within for the long term, there superficial. Quick, easy and short term fixes. I believe in order to really connect with people we have to fix ourselves first because you can’t give what you don’t have. How can you love a woman or man and truly connect with them soulfully if you lack empathy, love, kindness, generosity, mercy, grace and forgiveness? You can’t. You can’t show someone grace if you’ve never felt it, you can’t give something you don’t have. How do know how to love if you’ve never been shown what it looks and feels like? I believe the only way to ever really connect with someone you have to fill your void spiritually. I know that might sound presumptuous….but seriously….were always searching to fill this void with in us, and when someone or something doesn’t fill it we wonder why. Anyway I’m sorry for going on on but I love do love you blog and it definitely caused me to think about what it means to emotionally connect or build a relationship with someone friend or boyfriend so thanks:)

    1. First of all great point about fixing ourselves first. That is key to my blog. I don’t want to go out here and tell you how to have a great relationship and then watch you try to change your significant other. Its starts with you. It starts with me. And ultimately it ends there. Because we can’t change people. But we can change ourselves.

      I’m not sure what you mean about filling a void spiritually. I think that relationships with humans can perhaps have a spiritual side but I think a lot of emotionally connecting with someone has to do with being emotionally stable (perhaps spiritually stable as well, if you will) and then empathizing and sharing their feelings and perspectives. I personally do not find a void that I am trying to fill in my life. And perhaps that is not true of most people.

      I appreciate your comments and contribution. What are your experiences? Do you have a story? I am looking to open a “My Story” page soon that will allow readers to share their stories anonymously (if desired) on this blog. Email me if interested.

      Twitter @Jesse_Leake

  2. I highly applaud you for your in-depth analysis on why “we need to connect emotionally”. Your insightful thoughts on this article are remarkable as well as your attention to details. I concur with you in everything that you have written above. In addition, some people do not want to connect emotionally due to some situations beyond their control. For instances, there are some people that have a LOT of responsibilities on their hands. They have to go to school and work full time. They have siblings, parents and grandparents to carter for. For this reason, they do not want any emotional attachment that will derail them. Also, when you said “They may have been hurt emotionally before and the need to keep their emotions in check overcomes their need for connection”. I agree. However, there are some individuals that have been abused not only emotionally but also neglect, physical, and sexual abuse which may have occurred during their childhood/adolescent /early adulthood. Due to these factors, the need to emotionally connect with someone, they find it very difficult.

    1. Great point. I am very aware of the effects of abuse on people as I have been exposed to a number of people who have suffered childhood abuse and have witnessed the challenges they face. Unfortunately, I don’t consider myself knowledgeable enough to offer advice on that front. And I can see how some people would be too busy to want to connect emotionally. It does take up energy and time when someone is on your mind constantly as is often the case when you have a deep emotional connection. Do you have a story or relationship experience you’d like to share? I’m working on a new page to post stories of readers (anonymously if preferred) and would love to hear yours. or message me on Twitter @Jesse_leake

  3. Interesting concept of grouping gossip in with our human need to connect emotionally with others. We do crave solidarity and validation, which may show up in gossip, although I imagine there are often many other motives in play as well. This topic of emotional connection is a significant one, and one that my husband and I have discussed on multiple occasions. Glad you’re exploring it.

    1. Thank you for the comments. I don’t think that gossiping is the best way to connect. But I do think we do it sometimes for that reason. Of course the repercussions is that we could hurt someone. And lose a connection rather than gaining 1.

    1. Of course. It happens all the time. There are many relationships and marriages in which this does not happen. But there are some where does. They are the lucky ones. Or the smart ones. Who actually took the time to figure it out

  4. Interesting perspective! For me, human connection gives me purpose and reason to live. Human connection does make me feel valued—as you said in your article, books and internet can do this–to a point——but, in the end, I cherish those moments when I am in the presence of someone else, and someone else is in the presence of me.

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