double standard · relationships

Just because I’m not looking doesn’t mean I’m not interested

In the last few weeks a couple assumptions have stood out to me that some people have when it comes to relationships.

  • It seems like there is this mindset that if you single you must be looking for a wife (or husband) or a least for a significant other.
  • And if you are not looking than you must just not have any interest in relationships or marriage.

I think the first assumption comes from the idea that we as humans are not complete until we get married. We sometimes get the idea in our heads that life will really begin when we get the love of our life which usually is the next step in the pre-planned life that society offers us: high-school, college, job, wife, kids, and retirement.

Perhaps this is further fueled by the often imposing push among Christians to pursue marriage at an early age. The ideals of saving yourself for marriage, having lots of kids, raising a good Godly family, are good ones but alone should not drive one to pursue a relationship.

The second assumption seems to come from the idea that singleness in and of itself cannot be fulfilling and satisfying UNLESS one has no desire for a relationship.

In other words, if I desire or would enjoy something that right now I do not have, than I must not be happy or else I just don’t want it that bad. Another example would be your job. Either you must not really want career advancement or a more enjoyable job or you are just miserable at your current job until you can find something better.

But life doesn’t always offer us either/or decision. You see it is actually possible to be interested in having a serious relationship without actively looking for one.

A simple way of looking at this is contentment, being satisfied with what you have at the moment and not thinking that you can’t be happy without something else being added. But contentment doesn’t sum it up.

Another aspect is being happy with who you are. In other words, live in such a way that you can look in the mirror each morning and not only know you are living the right way but also the best way. And if there are conflicts work on growing in those areas.

A third aspect is learning to be happy in yourself rather than looking to other people (i.e. significant others to make you happy). This means that you don’t look to attention, love, affection, physical touch, words of affirmation, or approval from other people to make you happy with whom you are.

A final aspect is learning to be happy with where you are in life. If you are just not ready for a serious relationship, you accept that fact and work on the areas of growth at hand. Its ok, most of us aren’t ready until about thirty or so when our person becomes more stable.

So next the time you hear someone tell you, “I’m single and not really looking for a relationship right now.” Don’t assume they are not interest in one. They very well may not. But then again they may just be focusing on other things in life and are not worried about making the effort to “look for someone”. However, they know that if the right person came along they’d love to be a serious relationship. And you could be that right person!

Author: Jesse Leake

Personal questions or comments? Need advice? Email me

Check me out on Twitter @jesse_leake


7 thoughts on “Just because I’m not looking doesn’t mean I’m not interested

  1. Yes, I must agree. For the longest time, I was single and very content with life. Almost seemed as if God had turned off my attraction radar LOL because I honestly wasn’t even getting any attention. But I was busy with life and living and worshiping and ministering to people and growing within myself that I didn’t even notice it. If he came along I would have been open and eager to start a relationship, but if not….I was cool with it.

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