Don’t waste your life looking for “The One”

From an early age we are taught to seek and desire that one special someone to spend our lives with. “The one”. This person is your soul mate, the one you will one day marry. The one who won’t be perfect but will be perfect for you. Yes indeed how many of us have sought for that in our youth and how many of us have actually found it?

To be sure some have, whether by seeking or by stumbling upon “the one” they have successfully found that someone whom they are happily spending their life with. Kudos to you.

But for many of us who are still “waiting” I would like to offer my personal opinion: You are free to disagree and experience will tell me that despite many of you agreeing in word very few of you will agree in action.

Don’t spend your life looking for, waiting for, and expecting “the one”.

For some people the ultimate goal is get a woman to spend their life with or a man to put that ring on their finger. I don’t think any of you who think this way mean any harm but I would say that the idea that “If we just work hard enough at it we can make a good marriage” may be a myth.

For others, perhaps the wiser (or at least the more idealistic), they don’t want to settle for anything but the best. These people want that person whom they can connect with on all levels, who shares their hopes and dreams, who fulfills their fantasies, who connects as a best friend and a lover.

For this second group of people finding someone compatible that you are willing to commit your life to is much harder and may take much longer. And these are primarily who I’m giving this advice to.

See you could spend all your time looking for, preparing for, trying to meet, and wishing for that one whom you think will make you happy. And for sure if you should ever meet it would be a happy relationship. But is this really any way to live?

There are few good marriages out there. Not that marriage is a bad idea. It’s not. But there are few people who remain married for life and even fewer who remain happily married for life. The idea of a perfect marriage is a mirage for most people.

Most. But not all. However, if you are holding out for that person whom you find really is “the one” for you my advice is this:

Learn to be content where you are. Learn to love where you are. Pursue other things in life. Pursue your dreams to save the world, or write a book, or start an orphanage, or perfect a musical instrument, or lead a church, or become a doctor. Whatever it is that excites you that you can attain: pursue that wholeheartedly.

This will first of all create a contented spirit in you which is very important to having a happy life. Secondly it will put you in the position to be where the kind of person who is “the one” would likely be as well. If you really want to be a missionary in Africa, spending time at a posh mega church single’s group will most likely not be the best place to meet a like-minded soul mate. In fact, you may fall in love only to find that you have to choose between your dreams and your lover. Sadly, many people give up everything for a human being who will ultimately let them down.

Godliness with contentment is great gain. Gain something by being content and stop waiting for the one. If they come you will be better for them. If they don’t you will have something to show at the end of your life besides a series of failed relationships.


Author: Jesse Leake

Personal questions or comments? Need advice? Email me

Check me out on Twitter @jesse_leake


18 thoughts on “Don’t waste your life looking for “The One”

  1. True. Self love and personal fulfillment will enrich your soul naturally attracting all that is positive into your life, including “the one.” All relationships are hard work. Soulmate relationships are never easy for they are the ones who challenge us, get us to question the deepest part of ourselves and put us on A journey of self development and growth. Time waits for no one so nor should we! Check out my boog for new book Mr Wrong, “a humorous and insightful book into why some women continually attracted Mr Wrong and how to break the cycle. I would lice to hear your thoughts/stories. 🙂

  2. I am definitely reposting this, with credit to you of course! The “press this” button isn’t working correcting so I will include your name a link to the original blog! Awesome post.

      1. I think that everyone looks for the The One outside of themselves. Become who you to attract, that’s how The One finds us. They are attracted to themselves in us. You are The One! 😉

  3. really appreciate what you’ve written. i think i wanted every boy i fell in love with to be the one. i honestly think the one is who you choose and you keep choosing every day of your lives together. i think that my husband became “the one” through years of hard but so good and rewarding. that cheesy but true “everything i never knew i wanted/needed”. but i also believe that if we had chosen someone else and lived out a mutually committed, self-less marriage/life together, they would be the one. if that makes sense. 🙂 –kris

    1. I agree with you to a point. Having never been married but having observe quite a few marriages and friends lives I would say that some people are meant to be together and some people just aren’t. And there is a limit to how much a human is able to sacrifice and give to another to make things work. However I do think that we often start thinking that each person we date is the 1 and that can confuse us.

  4. I’ve seen this advice in a bunch of places and to some extent I agree. I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who is sitting around twiddling his thumbs in life, but what if you don’t know what it is you’re passionate about? What if you’re sacrificing yourself by trying to go out with people searching for the one, or what if “your one” doesn’t exist, should you settle for someone who you love who is close to being the one? I understand there is a difference between wanting something and needing something, but how will you know if you need a person if you’re not even sure you want to be with them? All I know is whoever I end up with, if anyone, I want to be happy with them–I want them to make me feel good and even if we disagree and fight the love is still there. I think thats difficult to find and even more difficult to recognize and hold onto. But we can’t get rid of people or the feelings that they muster. I think that love is entirely frustrating and its the most complicated game in the world. To win, you have to be lucky.

    1. Your last sentence sums it up. But honestly I am not suggesting you need to wait for that 1 perfect person to settle down. By no means. I don’t think there is any perfect person for any of us. I just think that many of us fixate on finding someone who is perfect for us. And we forget to live the rest of our life. Life is short. You can’t spend your whole life wishing you were a football star if you never picked up a football and gotten the gym and dedicated your whole life to being a football star. And if you want to be a good husband 1 day it takes a lot of work prepairing to be 1. So as men we should start preparing rather than sitting around and waiting.

  5. Haha, well I agree except for two major issues, one I am not a guy and as a girl I find that most guys rather ask the girl out rather than be asked out by a proactive woman. I am not the type of girl who handles head games well, so if I am not asked out I asume the guy rather be friends or nothing–I have experience to back that up. My second issue is that using your analogy, even if I want to be a football star if I don’t have access to a football no matter how much I run, or practice throwing with no actual experience how am I supposed to develop into an awesome football star? I won’t. I mean I agree with you that you shouldn’t just expect things to work out with no work, but to be able to work you need something to work on. I have nothing. It’s kind of just how it is.

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